Sirius XM: Ted Cruz, Metal Songs, and... What?

Okay, SiriusXM. Still kicking, huh? Let's be real, I figured streaming services would've curb-stomped satellite radio into oblivion years ago. But, nope, here we are, still getting press releases about… what, exactly?

A Glimpse into the Void

Scrolling through this week's SiriusXM news is like stumbling into a time capsule from 2005. We've got:

Football games: Bills vs. Texans. Riveting. You can listen to that anywhere*.

* Pope Leo XIV talking to teens: Okay, that's... different. Though I'm picturing a bunch of Gen Z kids rolling their eyes while some Vatican rep tries to explain TikTok.

"Southern Charm" drama: Reality TV garbage. Seriously, who cares about Craig Conover's love life? Though I guess some people do... shudders*

Ted Cruz on Stephen A. Smith's show: Politics? On SiriusXM*? That's a match made in… well, definitely not heaven. More like a dimly lit cable news studio.

* Miss World Chile loves metal: Alright, this one's kinda cool. A beauty queen who shreds? I'll give them that.

But here's the real question: why are any of these things exclusive to SiriusXM?

I mean, back in the day, the appeal was obvious: commercial-free music, Howard Stern, blah blah blah. But now? Spotify has millions of songs, podcasts are everywhere, and even my grandma knows how to use YouTube. What's the pitch?

The "Exclusivity" Mirage

They keep throwing around the word "exclusive," but what does that even mean anymore? Ted Cruz ranting about Trump? You can find that on any right-wing blog. "Southern Charm" gossip? Twitter's got you covered. Miss World Chile's metal playlist? Probably already on a dozen Spotify playlists curated by 14-year-olds.

And the "live" aspect? Please. Everything's on demand now. Who schedules their life around a radio show? Am I supposed to pull over on the highway to catch Craig Conover's latest romantic entanglement? I don't think so.

Maybe the Pope thing. Is the Vatican cutting deals for exclusive holy content? That's offcourse a new low, even for them.

This all feels like a desperate attempt to stay relevant in a world that's already moved on. Like Blockbuster trying to compete with Netflix. Like trying to sell pagers in the age of smartphones.

The Metalhead Exception

Okay, I'll admit, the Miss World Chile thing is intriguing. A metalhead beauty queen? That's a narrative. And Liquid Metal is still a decent channel, I guess, if you're into that kinda thing. But is one niche genre enough to keep an entire satellite radio company afloat? I seriously doubt it.

I do wonder, though, how much creative control does she have over her playlist? Are the SiriusXM overlords making her throw in some Nickelback just to broaden the appeal? Probably.

Then again, maybe I'm just being a grumpy old man yelling at a cloud. Maybe there's still a market for curated radio experiences. Maybe people still like the idea of flipping through channels and stumbling upon something new. But let's be real—those people are probably also still using flip phones.

So, Who's Actually Listening?

SiriusXM ain't dead, but it's definitely on life support, clinging to a rapidly shrinking audience of Boomers and NASCAR dads. The "exclusivity" is a joke, the content is mostly forgettable, and the business model feels like it's from another century. Give it five years, and it'll be just another footnote in the history of media obsolescence.